What is a curse?

It’s something dark that hangs over your life. You didn’t ask for it. You don’t deserve it. There is no adequate explanation. Maybe it’s a disease—one that’s devastated you or someone you love. Maybe it’s a shitty childhood, or a dead-end job, or debts you had to take just to keep your head above water. Maybe it’s an accident that changed your life. Maybe it’s a person you shouldn’t have let in, or one who broke in and won’t leave.

Whatever it is, it sucks. And everyone has one.

My curse is a mood disorder. It’s one of the scarier ones—it rhymes with “high roller.” The thing about being a high roller is that mostly, you roll low. Two years ago, I was barely rolling at all. To cheer myself up, I thought it would be funny to write a vampire romance where the mortal is the cynical, brooding character, and the vampire is a total doofus. It got a laugh out of me when I wasn’t doing a whole lot of laughing.
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The book, as you have probably determined, became Curses, Foiled Again. Felix is my big, doofy vampire, and John is my brooding mortal. John and I don’t have a lot in common, but we both are on the receiving end of familial curses, and we both have a tendency to be fatalistic about it.

But that’s the thing about curses—the more you brood about them, the worse they get. I wish I could tell you how to break your curse, but most curses can’t be broken. However, I can tell you your curse’s big weakness—it feeds on your energy. It wants it, but it can’t take it. You can move that energy elsewhere.

So I took my energy and made it into a book, and my curse got a little weaker. There’s probably something in your life that deserves your energy more than your curse—find it and nurture it. You can’t break your curse completely – but you can foil it.

Curses, Foiled Again is now available at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Kobo, NineStar, and iBooks.

For my 11th wedding anniversary, my husband and I went to a cemetery.

I realize that it probably doesn’t sound like a very romantic date, but it’s tough for us to get a babysitter, so we had to multitask. And I really, really wanted to see this particular cemetery, because it features prominently in my upcoming book, Curses, Foiled Again.

Forest Lawn Memorial Park in Glendale, California is the final resting place of over 250,000 people, including numerous celebrities. But it’s more than just a cemetery. The park also contains a museum, two mausoleums, and three chapels, which are all replicas of actual historical churches in Europe. (Fun fact: Ronald Regan married his first wife at one of chapels called the Wee Kirk O' The Heather.) (Another fun fact: Yes, that’s really what it’s called.) There’s also the Hall of the Crucifixion-Resurrection, a building constructed for the sole purpose of exhibiting the world’s second largest painting. There are over 1500 statues, ten percent of which are reproductions of works by famous sculptors—the park hosts a complete collection of replicas of Michelangelo’s work. Over a million people visit each year.

All of this is the brainchild of Dr. Hubert Eaton. As an evangelical Christian, he had a strong belief that mortal death marked the beginning of a joyous eternal life in Paradise. Therefore, he felt that cemeteries have no business being gloomy. In 1917, Eaton took over the management of the park and began to implement his vision of a “happy eternal life.” He even laid out his vision in a massive stone monument entitled “the Builder’s Creed,” which states that Forest Lawn will be “as unlike other cemeteries as sunshine is to darkness.” In the Creed, Eaton promises that the park will be “filled with towering trees, sweeping lawns, splashing fountains, singing birds, beautiful statuary, cheerful flowers, noble memorial architecture with interiors full of light and color, and redolent of the world’s best history and romances.” (You can read the whole thing here.) A statue of two children and a puppy look up in awe at the Creed. You can stand right next to them and gape at it yourself. It’s pretty gape-worthy. The Builder’s Creed is not the only monument containing Dr. Eaton’s musings—there are several others, all in stone, which are always signed not as Dr. Eaton, but as The Builder.

So yeah, it’s not your typical cemetery. Have I mentioned it’s a franchise? There are ten Forest Lawn locations.

In Curses, Foiled Again, the cursed witch John has bought a plot here. Without giving away too much, he fully expects to be dead soon, and as a fan of Old Hollywood, he likes the idea of being buried in the same place as many of Hollywood’s brightest stars. Even without the celebrities, though, the appeal of this place is apparent. Eaton definitely achieved his vision. This is the happiest cemetery on earth.

Which is to say, it’s also a little—well, tacky. Or not tacky, exactly—everything is beautiful and meticulously crafted. There’s not a blade of grass out of place. It’s neat and tidy—in other words, not remotely like reality of death. This is death as a Disneyland attraction—in fact, Disney himself is buried here. There’s even music playing from invisible speakers as you walk around the place, just like when you walk down Main Street, USA in Disneyland—a Main Street which doesn’t resemble any actual place, but the dream of a place, an idealized image that’s fun and comforting—but it’s not real.

​That’s the vibe of the place—unreal. I never knew quite how to behave. Could I take pictures there? Cameras were prohibited in the mausoleums, but according to the Builder himself, he wanted Forest Lawn to be “a place where lovers new and old shall love to stroll and watch the sunset’s glow…where artists study and sketch…where school teachers bring happy children to see things they read of in books,” which made me feel like maybe pictures were okay? I mean, this is a cemetery with a gift shop and thirteen-foot high statues of the Founding Fathers. Surely pictures were okay. What I ended up doing was waiting for my husband to give me the all clear sign, and then snapped the pictures.

And there were enough people around that we did have to wait until the coast was clear. Some of them were obviously grieving relatives, but there were a lot of people who looked more like my husband and me, consulting pamphlets over what attraction—er, monument to visit next. The museum was small but still busy—the current exhibition hosted art work by the painter Cao Yong. It was pretty good. We also took in a show at the Hall of the Crucifixion-Resurrection. It turns out that you can’t just go and look at the world’s second-largest painting. It’s a whole presentation that shows on the hour every hour and lasts about twenty minutes. It tells the story of how Dr. Eaton heroically tracked down the painting, which depicts the moments leading up to Christ’s crucifixion. It had been lost for thirty years, tied up in customs when the Polish artist couldn’t pay the tariff. The presentation also explains how Dr. Eaton commissioned the sequel painting, which isn’t quite as big but is still very impressive. And yes, it’s a sequel—it completes the Crucifixion/Resurrection duology, which skips over the actual crucifixion—as has already been established, Forest Lawn is a strictly “No Bummer” zone.

But even as I found the whole spectacle of the place a little disorienting, I have to admit that I enjoyed myself. The park is huge—we ended up spending about three hours there and still didn’t manage to see everything. Every time you thought you’d seen it all, you’d round a corner and find, for example, the Labyrinth, which is described as a “walking path meditation,” or a giant mosaic of the signing of the Declaration of Independence. The mausoleums were absolutely gorgeous, filled with beautiful stained glass windows.

And complaining that it all feels “fake” is kind of missing the point. Yes, it’s a little on the gaudy side, but I think the idea of making cemeteries nice places to visit is a good one. I’m not a Christian, so the reassurances of a glorious life after death weren’t particularly relevant to me, but both my husband and I agreed that celebrating the lives of people who have passed is a better way to honor their memoires than dwelling on the fact that they’re dead. It was weirdly nice way to spend the afternoon. And whether you believe in the “happy eternal life” or, like in my case, “YOLO,” it serves as a good reminder of both. 

Vampires: of all the reanimated corpses who prey on the living, they are undoubtedly the sexiest. But not all vampires are created equal. Before you attempt to initiate any sexy times with a vampire, you first need to determine what kind of vampire you’re dealing with. This field guide will help you do just that.

1.) BLOOD ZOMBIES
The only difference between these vampires and zombies is that they thirst for blood rather than brains. They’re also not quite as gross-looking, but that’s not saying much. Their sole drive is to drink the blood of the living, so don’t expect any interesting conversation.

WHERE THEY CAN BE FOUND:
European villages

CAN I HAVE SEX WITH THEM?
I can’t imagine why you would want to, but far be it for me to kink shame anyone. Just remember to use protection (i.e., garlic, crosses, etc.)

2.) DRACULAS
Named for the Count who is the most prominent example, Draculas are sophisticated, sensual, and alluringly dangerous. They tend to be very wealthy, so you can expect to enjoy some luxury if you manage fall into their clutches. Be forewarned that they’re just as blood-thirsty as blood zombies, but if you play your cards right, they might take you into their Dark Embrace so that you can join them in eternal life. (WARNING: Side effects of eternal life may include existential angst and intense broodiness.)

WHERE THEY CAN BE FOUND:
Opulent castles and antebellum chateaux

CAN I HAVE SEX WITH THEM?
There’s a 90% chance you’ll end up dead, but what a way to go! Bear in mind that some of them are canonically impotent, so you might have to get creative.

3.) YAMPIRES
These Young Adult vampires are very good-looking and darkly brooding. They mostly have that bloodlust thing under control, so you aren’t quite as likely to be eaten. They do occasionally go on killing sprees, but they feel super bad about it afterward, and really, aren’t they the true victims when that happens?

WHERE THEY CAN BE FOUND:
Your local high school

CAN I HAVE SEX WITH THEM?
You can try, but it’s tricky. Some of them are under gypsy curses. Others have taken chastity pledges, so you’ll have to put a ring on it first. They’re also likely to spend a lot of time explaining to you how they are too dangerous for your love. Also, if you’re over the age of 21, they’re probably not going to be that into you.

4.) VILFs
Now we’re talking! VILFs have a lot in common with Yampires, except they are totally DTF. While you battle monsters and solve mysteries together, the sexual tension between the two of you will become so intense that sex will be inevitable.

WHERE THEY CAN BE FOUND:
In your pants

CAN I HAVE SEX WITH THEM?
Hobviously.

5.) “REAL” VAMPIRES
Unlike some of the “fake” vampires on this list, “real” vampires are MONSTERS, like vampires are supposed to be. They’re dangerous predators who are definitely NOT sexy! They’ll rip your throat out and bathe in your blood!

WHERE THEY CAN BE FOUND:
The same place you can find serial killers, scary clowns, zombies, etc.

CAN I HAVE SEX WITH THEM?
No, sorry—wrong genre.

So there you have it! If you have encountered a different species of vampire, please feel free to leave it in the comments, but I think that this field guide should give you a good head start on finding a vampire to bone. Happy hunting!*
 
*DISCLAIMER: The author is not responsible for any injury sustained by users of this guide, including blood loss, dismemberment, or death. Use at your own risk.

By the way, my own contribution to the vampire genre -- Curses, Foiled Again -- is now available for preorder at Amazon and NineStar Press!

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