Vampires: of all the reanimated corpses who prey on the living, they are undoubtedly the sexiest. But not all vampires are created equal. Before you attempt to initiate any sexy times with a vampire, you first need to determine what kind of vampire you’re dealing with. This field guide will help you do just that.
1.) BLOOD ZOMBIES
The only difference between these vampires and zombies is that they thirst for blood rather than brains. They’re also not quite as gross-looking, but that’s not saying much. Their sole drive is to drink the blood of the living, so don’t expect any interesting conversation.
WHERE THEY CAN BE FOUND:
European villages
CAN I HAVE SEX WITH THEM?
I can’t imagine why you would want to, but far be it for me to kink shame anyone. Just remember to use protection (i.e., garlic, crosses, etc.)
2.) DRACULAS
Named for the Count who is the most prominent example, Draculas are sophisticated, sensual, and alluringly dangerous. They tend to be very wealthy, so you can expect to enjoy some luxury if you manage fall into their clutches. Be forewarned that they’re just as blood-thirsty as blood zombies, but if you play your cards right, they might take you into their Dark Embrace so that you can join them in eternal life. (WARNING: Side effects of eternal life may include existential angst and intense broodiness.)
WHERE THEY CAN BE FOUND:
Opulent castles and antebellum chateaux
CAN I HAVE SEX WITH THEM?
There’s a 90% chance you’ll end up dead, but what a way to go! Bear in mind that some of them are canonically impotent, so you might have to get creative.
3.) YAMPIRES
These Young Adult vampires are very good-looking and darkly brooding. They mostly have that bloodlust thing under control, so you aren’t quite as likely to be eaten. They do occasionally go on killing sprees, but they feel super bad about it afterward, and really, aren’t they the true victims when that happens?
WHERE THEY CAN BE FOUND:
Your local high school
CAN I HAVE SEX WITH THEM?
You can try, but it’s tricky. Some of them are under gypsy curses. Others have taken chastity pledges, so you’ll have to put a ring on it first. They’re also likely to spend a lot of time explaining to you how they are too dangerous for your love. Also, if you’re over the age of 21, they’re probably not going to be that into you.
4.) VILFs
Now we’re talking! VILFs have a lot in common with Yampires, except they are totally DTF. While you battle monsters and solve mysteries together, the sexual tension between the two of you will become so intense that sex will be inevitable.
WHERE THEY CAN BE FOUND:
In your pants
CAN I HAVE SEX WITH THEM?
Hobviously.
5.) “REAL” VAMPIRES
Unlike some of the “fake” vampires on this list, “real” vampires are MONSTERS, like vampires are supposed to be. They’re dangerous predators who are definitely NOT sexy! They’ll rip your throat out and bathe in your blood!
WHERE THEY CAN BE FOUND:
The same place you can find serial killers, scary clowns, zombies, etc.
CAN I HAVE SEX WITH THEM?
No, sorry—wrong genre.
So there you have it! If you have encountered a different species of vampire, please feel free to leave it in the comments, but I think that this field guide should give you a good head start on finding a vampire to bone. Happy hunting!*
*DISCLAIMER: The author is not responsible for any injury sustained by users of this guide, including blood loss, dismemberment, or death. Use at your own risk.
By the way, my own contribution to the vampire genre -- Curses, Foiled Again -- is now available for preorder at Amazon and NineStar Press!
And if you would like to keep up with my new releases, etc., you can sign up for my newsletter here!
1.) BLOOD ZOMBIES
The only difference between these vampires and zombies is that they thirst for blood rather than brains. They’re also not quite as gross-looking, but that’s not saying much. Their sole drive is to drink the blood of the living, so don’t expect any interesting conversation.
WHERE THEY CAN BE FOUND:
European villages
CAN I HAVE SEX WITH THEM?
I can’t imagine why you would want to, but far be it for me to kink shame anyone. Just remember to use protection (i.e., garlic, crosses, etc.)
2.) DRACULAS
Named for the Count who is the most prominent example, Draculas are sophisticated, sensual, and alluringly dangerous. They tend to be very wealthy, so you can expect to enjoy some luxury if you manage fall into their clutches. Be forewarned that they’re just as blood-thirsty as blood zombies, but if you play your cards right, they might take you into their Dark Embrace so that you can join them in eternal life. (WARNING: Side effects of eternal life may include existential angst and intense broodiness.)
WHERE THEY CAN BE FOUND:
Opulent castles and antebellum chateaux
CAN I HAVE SEX WITH THEM?
There’s a 90% chance you’ll end up dead, but what a way to go! Bear in mind that some of them are canonically impotent, so you might have to get creative.
3.) YAMPIRES
These Young Adult vampires are very good-looking and darkly brooding. They mostly have that bloodlust thing under control, so you aren’t quite as likely to be eaten. They do occasionally go on killing sprees, but they feel super bad about it afterward, and really, aren’t they the true victims when that happens?
WHERE THEY CAN BE FOUND:
Your local high school
CAN I HAVE SEX WITH THEM?
You can try, but it’s tricky. Some of them are under gypsy curses. Others have taken chastity pledges, so you’ll have to put a ring on it first. They’re also likely to spend a lot of time explaining to you how they are too dangerous for your love. Also, if you’re over the age of 21, they’re probably not going to be that into you.
4.) VILFs
Now we’re talking! VILFs have a lot in common with Yampires, except they are totally DTF. While you battle monsters and solve mysteries together, the sexual tension between the two of you will become so intense that sex will be inevitable.
WHERE THEY CAN BE FOUND:
In your pants
CAN I HAVE SEX WITH THEM?
Hobviously.
5.) “REAL” VAMPIRES
Unlike some of the “fake” vampires on this list, “real” vampires are MONSTERS, like vampires are supposed to be. They’re dangerous predators who are definitely NOT sexy! They’ll rip your throat out and bathe in your blood!
WHERE THEY CAN BE FOUND:
The same place you can find serial killers, scary clowns, zombies, etc.
CAN I HAVE SEX WITH THEM?
No, sorry—wrong genre.
So there you have it! If you have encountered a different species of vampire, please feel free to leave it in the comments, but I think that this field guide should give you a good head start on finding a vampire to bone. Happy hunting!*
*DISCLAIMER: The author is not responsible for any injury sustained by users of this guide, including blood loss, dismemberment, or death. Use at your own risk.
By the way, my own contribution to the vampire genre -- Curses, Foiled Again -- is now available for preorder at Amazon and NineStar Press!
And if you would like to keep up with my new releases, etc., you can sign up for my newsletter here!
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